Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I absolutely adore winter. the chilling weather lets me wear tacky sweaters without anyone else making a crude comment, and everyone is always happy. families gather from opposite sides of the world to celebrate their religions. winter brings out the best in people. i see a man in a tuxedo giving some cash to a man wearing what seems like torn rags. the look on his face is irreplacable. he will have a good christmas. giving someone hope is the greatest gift.

as i walk around school in the morning, i see hundreds of kids complaining about the freezing weather, but i love it. i walk out of the pool and put on booty shorts, a sweatshirt, and slippers, and i embrace the cringing chill. my favorite part of this time of year has to be walking down the stairs in the morning before the sun rises and staring at our sparkling christmas tree, allowing my eyes to adjust to being awake. it seems to shine brighter every day.

"here's something that you should know that is for sure: christmas must mean something more."

ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou.

there is no other way to describe the way i feel when i think of you now. its plain and simple hatred. all i want is to see you suffer intense pain. don't call me a drama queen if youre the one who makes a big deal out of nothing. really, it was nothing, so gtfover it. your words don't harm me, nor do they affect my mindset. and if you thought you could scare me, nice try. you're weaker than a 5 year old. just so you're aware, now that you're 18, hitting me is illegal, and i am not afraid to file charges. but dont worry, i would come visit you every day and laugh and laugh and laugh until they escorted me out the building. dont try and mess with me. im a lot stronger inside and out than i was when you left me months ago. i wont put up with your nonsense anymore.

"some are comin home, some are leavin town, while my world's crashin down."

unbelievable.

of all the things that have been going on lately, this has to be the most outrageous. i take a lot of the things you say to me and just swallow them painfully, but this hurt the most. after all this time to say i dont understand you? really? im pretty sure i get you more than the other people you vent your life to. you shouldnt be afraid of my opinion, and you dont have to listen to it. but im entitled to express it, just like everyone else. gtfover it.

but it doesnt matter, because i still love you. i always will. i am sorry we fight, and i hate it, but shit happens. i just need you to know that i support every decision you make, even if i dont make it seem that way. ill always be here for you, even when you dont want me to :D

"but that's how it goes when you give up control to your heart and soul. i should want it back, but i dont"

the end is near.

today i got some really shocking news, but at the same time is was completely expected. i was forwarned of this about a month ago when the topic came up, but i thought it was just a misunderstanding of a short-lived mood. i thought wrong. this is going to be carried to out to the full extent. it seems like everyone is doing this nowadays, and i cant stand to see my friends get hurt by my friends. in some ways, i support this decision, but in some ways i couldnt find anything so cold. but in the end, it is not up to my opinion, and i must let it go, just like the other people invovled. i'm pretty sure for me this is gonna be 2/3 as hard as it is for them. which sucks. entirely.

QOTD: "you know that i love you so i love you enough to let you go."

pick out a jacket, wear it.

today is the day that i get to wear a jacket made for a boy, and wear it while one of my closest guy friends wears a matching one. yes its sadies! i am soooo excited. right now i am painting my nails and awaiting the arrival of my bestest friend katie so we can get ready together. i'm really hoping this will be as amazing of a night as homecoming<3 ahh what fun :) i have a swim meet this weekend. AA's i guess. i was supposed to be seeded like 5th in the 1000 free, but that is tonight, so i told my coach i was busy haha. they can do without me. i'm also really excited that i qualified for a Grand Prix meet in Texas in March. it will be the farthest east i have ever been!! i'll fill you in on how sadies went later tonight.

Quote of the Day: "i tried to be your picture perfect girl, but you were in your own fantasy world."

welcome home, brother..

today my brother came home from Seattle University for Winter break. the good side? i got to drive on the freeway for the first time. it was like nothing i've ever experienced. i almost want to say it was like a rollercoaster, but those are on a specific track with no crashes. oh and loops :p but driving on the freeway is hard for someone who cant even handle watching tv and talking on the phone at the same time. the second i pulled onto the ramp, my mom was softly screaming at me to speed up and turn my blinker on and theres a caar behind you and merge now! and that was your exit and slow down and everything! this is gonna take a while to get used to, but i think i can handle it. now as for the bad side? well, hes HERE for 3 weeks. im just glad its my favorite time of year so it can take my mind off his presence. i may sound evil, but i promise i have reasons for my madness. he drives me crazy...er than i usually am. i hope i can put up with this.

Interested?

i have been reading a lot of blogs lately, and realized that it's a good way to vent my feelings and ideas to anyone who wants to take the time to look. so to anyone reading this, i am glad you have an interest in my life and how i am handling it.